Reviews & Musings

Summertime & Growing Pains

June 27, 2019 by Monica 1 Comment

It has been 2 weeks since school let out and something pretty obvious has just hit me. My kids don’t really like each other. Well, not at this moment… and I have spent the past week being pretty upset about it. But then, upon slight reflection of my own childhood- it occurred to me that this is pretty normal for siblings.

Image result for bride wars movie fight gif

My kids, and I- for that matter, have been on a totally different schedule for the last 9 months- a school schedule. One that allotted for individual time within the safe zones of classrooms, peers, projects, and priorities. Now, we are navigating through the waters of Summer- together. And that seems to be the pinnacle of this quest. We are ALL TOGETHER.

Now, for some reason, I thought this would be a seamless, smooth transition. But alas, there has been more hair pulling, tattling, tantrums, and time outs than the past 9 months combined. Enter the feeling of frustration and parent fail….

Image result for Frustrated at Work Meme

It made me think back to my own childhood when my younger brother, older sister and I would be asked to ” play nicely” together. Now, I have decided that many of us look back on our childhood with somewhat rose colored glasses- which gives me hope for my own children… but if I REALLY remember what actually happened in those moments- I’ll notice that we weren’t all that different…

A quick example: My sister and I shared a room for most of our youth, and one day she decided we’d “play nicely” … in a new and improved layout that included duck taped perimeters on the bedroom carpet. She had access to the bathroom, dolls, toys, books, and of course-the bedroom door. I had the closet. She stated that these were the new play areas and to have fun. Then she left. Out the door. That I couldn’t touch.

Or the times when my younger brother asked us to go outside and play basketball with him. And our answer was always, …”We’ll be right out…”

Now you may ask what’s wrong with that?

Here’s the thing… we never went out.

But don’t worry. My sister went off to college, and he and I eventually did play… a ton!!!

Image result for Skeleton Waiting GIF of a Long Time

So, its all good, right?

My attempted point is this- Summer can be tough. On everyone.

When you throw everyone into the mix and hope everyone just politely and calmly gets along, it might just be the opposite- a teensy bit of chaos-until things can work themselves out.

Like when your kids completely forget how to put away things, clean up things, not break things and how to close the fridge?????

Ah, yes- growing pains… “the stresses and strains attending a new project or development…” according to Merriam Webster Online.

We all get ’em.

But how can we survive them?

I have no tried-and-true answers, but simple suggestions based on what is percolating over here at our place.

Suggestion 1: Throw out all the expectations you had.

Sometimes your worst enemy when approaching something can be unreal expectations- and this is coming from a serial Hallmark enthusiast. I find that I get utterly frustrated when things don’t go as “planned.” But some of the best plans are actually unplanned.

Take a lesson I learned last summer…

Fool me twice: A cautionary tale

Suggestion 2: Don’t compare your day/week/month/season to anyone else.

This one is a true struggle for me. It’s not just social-media, it’s everything. Should my kids be in camp? Are they supposed to be eating Popsicles 4 times a day? Should they go see the new movie in the Theater? The neighbors just went on a family bike ride through 4 different state parks… we could try….

Go your own way. Your family is unique. And has its own needs and wants. Don’t worry about what everyone else is doing this summer. Gather ideas,”like” people’s photos, but don’t get down in the dumps because you aren’t keeping up with the Joneses. NO one is, really.

Suggestion 3: Stay focused but flexible.

Similarly to suggestion 1, it’s good to have ideas- but helpful to be open to new ones. Kids absolutely thrive on structure- some more than others. And I am certainly not suggesting you just coast through Summer like a California surfer… but it’s also the time of year to push dinner back an hour or two if there’s some serious pool fun going on. Or bust out the pillows and blankets for a movie day ( yes- a whole day!) if everyone is cranky… which leads me to #4…

Suggestion 4: Take breaks within your break. Seriously.

Remember that distance makes the heart grow fonder? Well, that’s pretty “tried-and-true”… and the same can be for a family that is suddenly spending loads of time together. The way we have survived the past couple days is by a QUIET HOUR. In separate places. They need it. I NEED IT. I’m catching up on laundry, doing a 15 minute workout video, writing! or even catching some ZZZZ’s myself… and it’s just 60 minutes. But it’s a glorious time to reboot. For everyone.

Suggestion 5: Love ’em while you got ’em.

I’m not going to hit you with statistics of how you only have 17 summers with your kids before they’re off and gone… but I will leave you with this thought. I fell asleep the other night thinking about how my girls are getting to the ages ( almost 5,7 & 9) where for much of the day, I find myself needed less and less. They can fix their own breakfast now, dress themselves, reach things, brush hair, play games, even swim at the pool. But although they don’t always need me… they still want me. I know that this will someday change, and for my oldest, I fear it is coming sooner than I’d like. So amidst the chaos and calamities, flaws and failures of my mothering- somehow, they are still reaching out. For my hand, for my help, for my heart.

And I’ll take it.

So maybe the differences between painful limbs and pains in life aren’t all that far apart.

Try leaning in…

Happy Summer, friends.

Marathons for Walkers

May 13, 2019 by Monica 1 Comment

I went for a walk the other day and you know what I love?

Intersections.

Not necessarily that you have to make a decision on where to go next, Lord knows I can’t make a decision worth a lick. Ask anyone who knows me. I’m like the scarecrow in The Wizard of Oz…

Rather I appreciate that it seems to give permission to pause. A much needed pause.

I tend to get super intimidated by long walks on long paths with no seeming end in site. No place to make the appropriate, “I’m fine, really” break…

I like to lean up against a tree, stop sign or even the occasional but randomly placed bench and huff and puff.

The other day was no exception. I was leaning up against a light-post sucking down a bottle of water, when I heard some fast paced steps behind me. I turn to see a bouncy jogger bouncing up and down next to me. While I had chosen to stop and rest at the corner, this individual had kept her cardio going and continued to bounce while the light stayed red. I thought I could TRY to look the part, she might be on to something, so I started a light bounce myself. Well, it only took 30 seconds of a few half bounces before the bottle of water swooshing inside my gut gave me jabbing cramps and I was now bent over heaving with strange sounds. The two of us could not have been more opposite. She gave me a weird look and darted across the road when the light changed to green where as I looked like I needed an oxygen tank and a wheelchair to get me anywhere.

And that my friends, is how I feel as a mother these days.

I have re-written this post a few different times. The first time I attempted a bit of a parenting DIY. Ha! It ended up being a bit of a joke when I realized how ridiculous it sounded that I would even begin to advise people in this area.

Then I mulled over it, and upon rejection of supposed “How Tos”- I began feeling quite bad about my current state of mothering and proceeded to eat a lot of ice cream.

Image result for eating ice cream and crying gif

So I attempted another version. Me and my pint of ice cream divulged into more a long winded diary entry where I vented about all my failures and faults as a matronly individual. I read it back out loud and realized no one wants to read that.

So, I let it sit a while. I paused. Hence why I am finishing this post today… the day AFTER Mother’s Day. :O)

Back in high school, when we were learning how to type- we practiced with a keyboard game that had a runner jumping over hurdles. When you succeeded at the home keys, or stated set of letters, your virtual runner soared into the air, breezing through the obstacles before him/ her.

On the flip side, when you punched an incorrect key, your runner would fall and make this “oof” sound. It was kinda of funny. Actually, it was really funny. I once got in trouble for making him “oof” for 5 minutes straight.

I am feeling a bit like there’s someone punching the wrong keys these days. I see that hurdle coming, I feel like I’m kinda sorta ready for it- but then next thing you know I’m laying flat with an “oof” sound.

This past week, with teacher appreciation and May’s calendar exploding with dates to remember, things to attend…I saw some serious hurdles approaching.

But what I also realized was that when I SEE those uphills and obstacles ahead, I tend to LOSE perspective quickly.

I heard in church yesterday that, “disaster can often occur when there is a loss of perspective.” My pastor went on to say that many airplane fatalities have resulted from pilots unable to see the horizon ahead, therefore losing their perception on where they actually are in relation to the ground and sky. Inevitably ending in a crash…
Boom. What a visual. And it was exactly what I needed to hear.

When we are headed into the trenches, we often think we are alone, that the problems are bigger than we can handle and that there is no end in sight.

Sounding familiar to any parents? Any person out there?

In my life, the term “Hills and Valleys” can appropriately describe my day to day.

The battle JUST won can frequently yield little to no rewards on the next encounter with life.

JUST when I have conquered something, had a little victory, succeeded in some small area- the very moment around the corner has a cartoon roadrunner waiting to toss an ACME anvil on me.

Last Monday:

Obstacle: Buy all teacher appreciation supplies in 4 hours

Race prep: I had mapped out my route and memorized 4 different teacher surveys. I was ready.

Race route: Michael’s, Target, Dollar Store, Home Depot ( quickly for Adam) back to the Dollar Store and finishing at Walmart

Race results: NAILED IT… grabbed everything I needed to get through the first couple days and even sorted the supplies by teacher on the dining room table with cute printed out labels from Pintrest.

Image result for pinterest teacher appreciation gifts

Ready for the children to help.

I felt on top of the world.

The feeling continued throuought the day, and even into the kid’s bedtime.

I flopped down on the couch, ready to reward myself with some Hallmark, when Autumn sauntered quietly into the room. She was holding a notebook entitled, “My Days, My Dreams.”

She handed it to me and whispered “I just wrote something new in here. Would you like to read it?”

I love that she is my little writer, so I happily agreed. She snuggled in next to me and opened to this page.

https://app.box.com/s/oszbzrzhah80rgvsrc0aktt6a652j9i7

Insert heartbreak.

I looked at her and with instant tears, I apologized.

She smiled a half sleepy smile, and hugged me again. She said it was okay, and then sauntered slowly back upstairs.

What had I done?

I thought I was the best mom in the world. THE WORLD. For a few hours at least…

And then I saw this.

I let her down. In her exact words, I “forgot.”

I was running around like a crazy woman, attempting to properly and Pintrest-worthily “Thank” every Tom & Sally.

I “oofed.” And I was laying flat.

And after an hour of ugly crying, and Adam’s repeated “You are a good mom…” I went to bed, head pounding and heartbroken.

I was certainly beginning to listen to the voices in my head saying “you can’t”…

But I woke up the next morning, (popped some Advil followed by strong coffee) gave Autumn an extra big hug and told her I loved her. A lot.

And she bounded off to school, cast and all.

Kids are crazy resilient.

I share this to help reiterate my own “full of faults” humanity, and encourage yours.

We are NOT PERFECT.

We forget, we mess up, we fall flat. We “ooof” all the time.

But just possibly…if we try to live our lives with love at the forefront, then maybe it doesn’t matter as much about how many times that we all fall down. I pray we all receive the strength to always get back up.

I beg you to pour your love into your children day in and day out. They may roll their eyes at you, push you away, or even respond with silence. You may flop down on the couch over tired, unappreciated and ready to give up.

But do you know what I’ve decided? Your own children are your biggest fans. To them you are a super hero who is busy soaring high one moment and then falls flat the next.

But isn’t that all proof that you are trying?

Marathoners tell their families and friends to bring their A-game with signs and fog horns to the toughest part of the race. Why? To keep them going. To remind them how far they’ve come and how close they are to the end. To give them Perspective.

Who doesn’t need a cheering squad?
A pep rally?
A hug?
A smile?
We all do.

And life will not be without it’s hills and valleys. The tough times are inevitable. Especially as parents. Watching your children navigate through these dark places is downright dreadful. But please remind yourself and those you love-
That you are never alone.
The battles you face are not forever.
It will be worth it all in the end.
Every tear,
Every pain,
Every hurdle,
Every heartbreak.
He promises.

Go on & finish this race. 💜

I’m not the marathon running type- in fact, I’m waiting on my 0.0 bumper sticker to come in…

But look for me on the sidelines, at the closest intersection, leaning up against the stop sign… cheering you on. Every day.

Hardwired for Hope

December 13, 2018 by Monica 4 Comments

Blue Christmas by Elvis Presley

I’ll have a Blue Christmas without you
I’ll be so blue just thinking about you
Decorations of red on a green Christmas tree
Won’t be the same dear, if you’re not here with me

And when those blue snowflakes start falling
That’s when those blue memories start calling
You’ll be doin’ all right, with your Christmas of white
But I’ll have a blue, blue blue blue Christmas

You’ll be doin’ all right, with your Christmas of white
But I’ll have a blue, blue Christmas

Songwriters: Billy Hayes / Jay W JohnsonBlue Christmas lyrics © Universal Music Publishing Group, Demi Music Corp. D/B/A Lichelle Music Company

Grab some eggnog, and go have a seat by the fire- I’d like to share a few hidden holiday stats about feeling blue …

Depression during the holiday season skyrockets.
Holidays can trigger a new onset of depression in some while bringing to the surfaces existing conditions for others.
Most common triggers are losses, failures and loneliness.
People experiencing holiday depression are less likely to reach out due to the lack of strong relationships, and a desire not to be perceived as different or struggling.

What does all this have to do with YOU?

Because there is a true gap in spirits during this season.

People tend to get swept up in the house decorating, Christmas card sending, present buying and striving for all out MERRY…

In fact, it is the very same merriment and joy that seems to be radiating from the songs, streets and smiles of all you meet, that is the impetus of this Christmas melancholy.

What we must understand is that it is certainly a perception that everyone around you is living inside a Hallmark snow globe. The REALITY is that we live in a world of pain and isolation.

There is hurt. Flowing through the songs, streets and souls of our friends and neighbors.

According to Webster, a synonym for depression is HOPELESSNESS.

When I read that, I was moved to tears. You see, I have been clinging to the term HOPE for months now-like a life preserver, on days when I can barely get out of bed or smile.

The word has been infiltrating my bible studies, songs I listen to in the car, cards I get in the mail… everywhere.

And then in church on Sunday in a sermon entitled, “Hardwired For Hope”…

The definition of HOPE is as follows :

”

hope/hōp/noun

a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen.”he looked through her belongings in the hope of coming across some information”synonyms:aspiration, desire, wish, expectation, ambition, aim, goal, plan, design;
(ARCHAIC )a feeling of trust.

“A desire for a certain thing to happen….ambition, goal, plan, design…”

Like my whole Christmas.

Trees, cards, presents, stockings, lights, cookies, Santa, kids-

The whole Hallmark enchilada.

Yet- did the second definition catch anyone’s eye? It caught mine…

TRUST.

I took my researching a step further and looked up the definition of “ARCHAIC.”

According to Oxford, it is as follows:

“Archaic words. These words are no longer in everyday use or have lost a particular meaning in current usage”…

BOOM.

I felt like I just cracked the Christmas Code.

The TRUST associated with the word HOPE has “lost meaning.”

We hope for things, but as in – clinging/ sometimes extremely tightly, to our plans/goals.

But is there TRUST?

I sure hope the Eagles are going to win while I watch from my seat of the freezing stadium on December 23rd, but Heavens knows, that hope is not anchored in trust.

Their dancing is better than their scoring recently…

It’s hard to watch and just plain depressing.

There is that word again- depression. A HOPELESSNESS.

As in my example, “Hope” is commonly used to mean a wish : its strength is the strength of the person’s desire.

But in the Bible, hope is the confident expectation of what God has promised and its strength is in HIS faithfulness.

Christmas HOPE.

HE is coming.

Because it was promised for thousands of years.

And generations of people held fast to that HOPE.

And we are descendants from that hopeful generation. But we are somewhat lost. Lost in translation…

Can we get back the meaning?

*****************

From the words of “O Holy Night”-

O Holy Night

written by Placide Cappeau , composed by Adolphe Adam, translated into English lyrics by John Sullivan Dwight in 1855

O Holy Night!
The stars are brightly shining
It is the night of the dear Savior’s birth!
Long lay the world in sin and error pining
Till he appear’d and the soul felt its worth.
A thrill of hope the weary soul rejoices
For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn!

Fall on your knees
Oh hear the angel voices
Oh night divine
Oh night when Christ was born
Oh night divine
Oh night divine

Led by the light of Faith serenely beaming
With glowing hearts by His cradle we stand
So led by light of a star sweetly gleaming
Here come the wise men from Orient land
The King of Kings lay thus in lowly manger
In all our trials born to be our friend

Truly He taught us to love one another
His law is love and His gospel is peace
Chains shall He break for the slave is our brother
And in His name all oppression shall cease
Sweet hymns of joy in grateful chorus raise we,
Let all within us praise His holy name

***************

This same HOPE can strengthen you, too.

Sing about it, read about it…CLING to it.

It is the only HOPE that will never, ever let you down.

Isaiah 40:31 but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

HE is coming to bring Light to the Darkness…

HE is coming to bring Strength to the Weary…

HE is coming to Stand with the Lonely…

He is coming to be a Friend to the Failing…

He is coming to Love the Unloved…

HE is coming to Wipe the Tears from the Broken…

HE is coming.

When your world is spinning this Christmas, won’t you come to the manger with me?

It’s okay to feel lost.

It’s okay to fall.

Come fall on your knees and get lost in HOPE.

Merry Christmas to all.

364 Days of Gratitude

November 20, 2018 by Monica 1 Comment

It’s almost Thanksgiving.

Time to scour the new house for my stretchiest, comfiest, fill-my-belly-till-it-hurts pants.

Please tell me I am not the only one who owns a pair…

( uncomfortable silence)

So, anyway…..

Amidst my nightly Hallmark movie watching ( not even gonna say I’m sorry) there has been more on my mind than just my endless grocery list. This upcoming feast day has stirred up some questions in my heart.

Thankful… it’s EVERYWHERE…but what does it really mean?

And what IS the difference between thankful and grateful?

One definition of thankful I found was “pleased and relieved.” Another was “conscious of benefit received.”

While one definition of grateful simply stated “contentment.”

*As we dive further into these two phrases, I hope to share how a life planted with seeds of thankfulness can grow into a full life of gratitude.*

The history pages about the Very First Thanksgiving have been somewhat watered down for the elementary ages, but the premise still remains.

The proper response to an act of giving is to be Thankful.

It is why “thankful turkeys” and such cute Pintrest-y activities are preschool appropriate.

Even a small child, in their small minded experience, can be taught to be thankful for what they have. It makes sense.

Although, I seem to have some more work to do with Quinn- her thankful turkey feathers were as follows:

Halloween Candy

My barbies

Birthday presents

Mattie’s makeup

Eek,

Clearly Quinn’s mind and heart, in all of her 4 years, is thankful for the things that make her happy. No harm in that.

She’s right where she should be in her understanding. She also puts her shoes on backwards.

But how about us adults?

Are we still listing things, like Q, that give us comfort, happiness, security and when services are rendered?

Are those the only things that come to mind when we think of being thankful?

What happens when we don’t feel comfort, happiness and security?

Let’s dive into the meaning of gratitude…

I do believe what starts as being thankful can turn into an attitude of grateful.

Gratitude is a way of life. Seeing the positive in ALL things.

ALL THINGS.

It’s hard.

But it can be a game changer.

Gratitude can be unrelated to “what has be done or received.” It is almost an explainable joy within the circumstances you have been dealt.

Think Cinderella…

But in all honesty…

Can you see the slight difference?

I think I am finally starting to.

And I’d like to take Thanksgiving a step further.

I’ll leave you with a ( very personal & not been shared with many) example:

I am incredibly THANKFUL for the opportunity to pursue my dream of being a published picture book writer.

There has not been a day gone by that I do not THANK the LORD for my editor who took a chance on a rising author, as well as my illustrator for bringing light and life to my words.

But to my sadness and disappointment, my much-anticipated book release date has been pushed back about a year.

That news was hard to swallow.

Very hard.

I was hanging so much of my self-worth, purpose and joy on that original day in October of this year.

So when the conversation occurred, my heart sank.

There were so many tears and even shaking fists.

I have been faithful and fearless. Why was this happening to me?

But I now see that is the wrong attitude to have.

I was clinging to the “what has been given to me” thankfulness.

And when things were going according to my plan, the outpouring of “Thank you, God,” was abundant.

But when the plan was altered, my thankfulness seemed to have disappeared.

This was certainly not an attitude of gratitude. Rather, I was throwing a toddler-sized fit.

Has God forgotten about my needs? My dreams? Am I being punished?

The answer is no. To all the above.

Once I quit my crying about the new date, I resolved that the only way to wake up everyday was to pray hard.

Then I prayed even harder.

I prayed that God would take away my disappointment and replace it with more gratitude than ever before about the current circumstances.

Circumstances that could not be changed.

But I could be changed.

I wanted to feel joy again.

I had been so blinded by the book news, that I couldn’t see the little blessings and new mercies that come EACH morning.

And day by day, I began to change.

My eyes were opened to the many wonderful, sometimes un-noticeable joys in my life.

You know what else happened?

We bought a house.

And not just any house.

A complete gut job.

Fixer Upper X a million.

And THAT, my friends is what God knew.

When this house fell into our laps, ( literally) my heart was full again.

Where there was a void of purpose and meaning and fulfillment in my days, he poured project upon project into our lives.

Where there was once strife between husband and wife about our future and the ‘what if’s” and the ” why not’s”… there was unity and harmony.

And for almost 30 days, we didn’t have floors, or sinks, steps or walls, but we had joy.

And an abundance of it.

Ahhh. Gratitude.

We all have struggles.

Some seem monumental.

Others- contrite.

But we are all engaged in a battle.

A battle for our hearts.

If we gauge our thankfulness on simply how life treats us, we are setting ourselves up for a very unstable, insecure way to live out our days.

But, if we search hard and pursue contentment in the present- no matter what we are going through- we can live out a much more vibrant and meaningful journey.

The one we were made for.

Now try on those grateful goggles.

Mine were a bit out of focus- but with time, my eyes have adjusted to what being happy, thankful and grateful truly mean.

So, folks-

Let’s not only be full of thanks, but living out an attitude of gratitude.

It’s a daily struggle, but the reward is great.

Won’t you join me?

I have renewed faith and hope that our future is very bright.

Here’s to a GRATEFUL Thanksgiving and the 364 days that follow.

Fool me twice: A cautionary tale

August 24, 2018 by Monica 2 Comments

Fool me once – shame on you.

Fool me twice- shame on ME.

Sound familiar?

Well, it has turned into my mothering mantra.

I continue to make the same mistakes over and over again- and what’s worse: I continue to come out flabbergasted at the end results.

EVERY TIME.

So when will I learn?

Take today’s little last-minute “grab the end of Summer by the horns” kind of adventure:

I venture out to Burnside Farms with our friends, a place I have wanted to go for years.

It is known for its gorgeous sunflowers in the later Summer/Fall and its stunning tulips in the Spring.

A photographer’s dream, truly.

Or at least a mom with a fully juiced IPHONE’s dream.

And a pleasant dream, it started out as…

Car packed with snacks, drinks, DVDs, and the address put into both my phone map App and car GPS.

Ah, adventure awaits.

30 minutes in…

A breezy ride down the parkway, a painless merge onto Route 66, kids happily nodding along to the movie coming through their headsets and some inspirational tunes on the radio.

Still living the dream.

10 miles later…

Wait.

Why is my car GPS telling me to turn around?

Hmm, IPHONE app is saying to keep on trekking.

Weird. My car is crazy…

Onward.

10 more miles down the road…

Stinkin’ car gps lady is yelling at me to turn around every chance I get, IPHONE saying the exit is coming up, as the kids are starting to pipe up about popcorn and blankets.

This place better be close…

I take the IPHONE app suggested exit, continue down two different dirt/gravel roads and hear the phone say “arrived destination.”

No farm.

No street.

I am on the ride of the highway. In a ditch. With my flashers on.

Cue the kids.

“WHERE ARE WE, MOM??? ARE WE LOST??? THIS RIDE IS SOOOO LONG…..”

I’ll spare you the choice phrases swarming around in my head, and the even better ones that eventually slipped out under my breath…

I eventually reset my phone map APP and low and behold- it decided to send me 30 minutes back the direction I came from- and ultimately was in sync with the car gps lady.

HOW IRONIC.

Fast forward 30 minutes…

The movie is long over, the girls have resorted to spittting across the car at each other and some, quite impressively- managed to hit me as well.

There is no more popcorn, they have spilled their capri-suns, no doubt between the seats where I will never be able to reach and clean…

And we are pretty much done.

And we have just arrived.

Anyone else see the massive storm a’comin’?

Well, I didn’t.

I mean, I knew meltdowns were possible…but I was still convinced I could give them such a good experience that they would forget ALL about their youthful, silly woes and remember why I am the world’s best mom.

Ha.

Some highlights: ( at least we were in the company of our besties while all this went down…)

The three sunflower umbrellas they gave us upon entry became certifiable weapons.

The girls fought over the one set of sheers I grabbed, and ran down the rows of sunflowers yelling at each other, threatening to stab one another, and pitching fits when I asked if I could cut one down for myself.

They screamed bloody murder every time they saw a bee.

The bottles of water that I was so proud I remembered to bring, got stepped on and/or “accidentally” dumped.

They squinted for pictures.

They complained about everything.

And then they saw the bounce house.

Out yonder past the sunflowers in a field so far away it was hazy looking…

30 minutes later…

We return three baskets more or less in one piece, three sunflower umbrellas- one which won’t close anymore and is being used to knock over everything fragile next to the cash register, and the mean flower lady asks me to hurry up and pay for my five dying sunflowers.

Yup.

Add the extra 25 minutes to the ride home because I decided to trust my car gps lady this time and shut off my phone in lieu of getting dinged by Verizon for roaming the whole morning.

And my car gps lady got me lost.

And I got spit on.

A lot.

So there you have it.

That was the adventure I kept a secret all morning… told them they wold LOVE …. and freak out about… and be so happy.

As I do every time.

So…

Shame on ME.

Why do I do this to myself?

When did everything get so hard?

Is it me?

Is it my kids?

What is the constant ingredient in this recipe for disaster?

I’m not totally sure….

And you cannot quote me on this….

But,

I had an epiphany on the ride home.

It was that friggin’ long.

I once heard the quote:

Ring true for anyone?

It dawned on me during the ride home that my expectations were WAY off. As they seem to be often.

And therefore I resented the whole gosh darn morning.

Somewhere along the lines, I heightened the legit expectations for my children in these such situations.

I am forgetting to check them at face value and then make a discrete and discerning decision about what is realistic if we go forward.

Knowing that my children were tired, irritable, slightly hungry, thirsty- albeit their own fault on that one- but on a whole- and in general: hot messes.

Now, if I had come to this reality before stepping foot into that sunflower field, I think my experience would have been different.

Not theirs, necessarily-

but mine.

I make good decisions sometimes. I really do.

I made a decision almost 3 years ago that I shouldn’t go to the local Library with Quinn.

Or any quiet place for that matter.

It’s just not a good combo at the moment.

And I know I’ll go back.

Someday…

But meanwhile, every time I pass it, I smile.

I’m thinking of all the people I am sparing from a ruined not-at-all quiet or peaceful time.

You’re welcome local library goers… :O)

Why can’t I do that all the time???

I know what Q is capable of, and I have adjusted life accordingly.

But I fall back into the abyss of thinking my kids can handle things they can’t. Or that they will react to the 100 degree fields of sweat, bees and not-so-hearty flowers the same way I do.

But they are kids.

KIDS.

They think like a 3, 5, and 7 year old.

They act like a 3, 5, and 7 year old.

As they well should.

Y’all- I’m not defending our kids or saying these trips are our faults.

But I am praying you learn from them.

Even if it’s one small thing.

Repeat after me:

doing

great

job.

Now, do you feel like you are doing a great job?

If not, try saying it again slowly.

And think of all the people out there- ALL the people, who are struggling day by day.

You are not alone.

You can do this.

If we make it through the day…

With a smile hidden somewhere…

A few laughs…if not AT ourselves, than WITH loved ones…

And remember that life doesn’t have to be perfect.

The kids don’t.

Our houses don’t.

The outfits don’t.

The pictures don’t.

WE don’t.

I leave you with a few quotes…

May one find its way into your heart and fuel your perfectly imperfect life.

Rich in Recovery

June 30, 2018 by Monica 3 Comments

This blog post is special. Incredibly special. Today, my big sister celebrates a monumental milestone. Today, she is three years sober. One thousand, ninety-five days of a new life. A life where she chooses faith, love, joy, happiness and her health, to name a few. In honor of this milestone, I boldly asked if I could dive deep into her Recovery with a few questions. I worried she might say no. I worried she might hesitate. But she accepted. As she has accepted each day for the past three years-with a beautiful, courageous, open heart. Her story inspires me daily. May it touch the hearts of many…

Q1: What would you say are some common misconceptions when it comes to alcohol and Alcoholism?

I think the biggest is that most people think you have an “on and off” switch. And it isn’t. You have a choice. You can choose today, tomorrow, a week from now to put that glass of wine, that shot of whiskey down. You don’t need another one. Whether it’s binge drinking and you’re having 10, an afternoon 5 o’clock drink, to all of a sudden, the worst case-a five in the morning start It is a conscience decision that you are making. We are escaping the world.

And with Alcoholism, it’s a vicious cycle.

You wake up feeling shame and guilt because of what you have the night before when you drank. You possibly embarrassed your family, you possibly said some things that were inappropriate, or you were not actually completely there- at a family event, or a conversation, or a one-on-one. Your mind has been altered, and its not you. And so you drink because you drink, you wake up and feel guilt and shame, you don’t want to face the people you’ve disappointed. And to escape that, you drink more. Because you want to be numb. You don’t want to see those people’s faces, you don’t want to see the mirror they are holding up. You don’t want to see that reflection of yourself. So you drink again. And every day you tell yourself, “I’m not going to do it…” but you can’t live without it. It’s your best friend. Later in life, you see it’s your worst enemy. But it’s your best friend..it’s the only friend you have. And you’re alone…you’re alone in this world…and it’s very sad. It’s a very sad drug.

When people reach alcoholism to a certain extent, they have to have it in their body. It’s just a chemical need. It is a real disease, it’s been proven that by Science. When you cannot fathom ever NOT drinking again, it’s a problem. You need to really self-reflect on that.

We just think differently, too. We can’t see how someone would ever just have one glass of wine. We think its pointless, a calorie waste- if you’re just going to have a glass at dinner ( at least I do)…We think “why aren’t you getting a buzz from it?” And later in life you’re always chasing that buzz feeling and that party feeling. And as you continue the progression of Alcoholism, you never really ever get that fun, happy feeling you had years ago. You have it for a minute. Then, it just drowns into sadness. You just go into an abyss, and that’s when you know it has consumed your life. It’s not fun anymore. You keep telling yourself it’s fun, you keep chasing that high, but it’s just not fun. Alcoholism is just a crutch- it is escaping reality. It’s a terrible disease that effects so many in this world. And a lot of people are never going to admit it. We live in a party party life- there are beer commercials everywhere. It’s just not good…

Q2: What would you say are some of the biggest challenges in your Recovery?

The biggest challenge is that alcohol is everywhere. It’s at your local corner, it’s at Walgreens, it’s everywhere. There’s commercials about it. I live in Florida, everybody drinks on boats, everybody drinks on the beach. It’s paradise. It’s a vacation spot. So, it was very hard to get used to that- the availability of it. The temptation of it. That’s probably the biggest. In the beginning, it is unfathomable that you will never be able to drink again. You just can’t imagine that…it is just eternity. But, you take it one day at a time.

“Today I’m not drinking.”

“Today I am sober.”

Another part is that many people ostracize you, or look down upon you-you have a problem… and you are in Recovery. And you’re different…and you are kind of below the level of Humanity…you’re kind of a mess-up…and you’re broken… and a lot of people don’t even want to deal with that. Whether it’s dating, in my case, or just false friends. That’s hard.

And you also have to get peace of mind. You have to have more of a resting mind. And you have to learn how to deal with emotions. Emotions were covered up before…you have all these emotions and you don’t know how to deal with them. You want to be angry, you want to cry, you want to be truly happy…but you don’t know how to deal with them…

No one has taught you. And basically, you’re a teenager, in my case. I started drinking at 16…15…and I’m a little kid. And I’m struggling. It’s all new to me, when I first stopped. Sometimes it can be overwhelming, but you learn to deal with it. You really do. You learn a lot about yourself. And you can do it. You can have peace of mind. It’s okay to be sad. It feels good to be sad. It’s okay to be angry, And you’re human. And you are growing up. Everybody has bad days. You don’t need to go search for a bottle…You have to just start living life. As most people have done for years…that’s probably the hardest.

Q3: On the flip-side of that, what are some of the most rewarding aspects of your Recovery?

Clear mind. Clear conscience. You are present. You see things. You experience things. You just see the world differently. And it’s a beautiful, beautiful, beautiful world…

And you’re happy…that you can see your nieces grow up. You’re happy …that you can have a conversation….about politics, religion, weather, history. And you are making sense. You realize you are intelligent. You’re not hiding behind a mask…it’s just nice to just be present.

It’s nice that you work through The Steps, and you let go of the guilt and shame. You let it go. And as you let it go, doing the steps, you are free-er and free-er and happier and happier. You just let the past be the past. And accept that things were done, and its okay. It is okay… you made mistakes, but that was another you. This is a different you, and this is the real you, and this is a better you. Its all not consuming you. It’s amazing- you just let it go. Like a confession to a priest… you just let everything go. I can say that’s one of the best things about it.

Every once in a while, I’ll be driving in the car, and I’ll think of something I did when I was 23, and I do have a moment of “ooooo, that was awful…” but then I keep laughing. And it was a stupid thing I did, but it’s over.

Q4: What is one piece of advice you would give to someone who is in the early stages of Recovery or may be stuck in the trenches of active addiction?

Kudos… to those who are in the early stages of their recovery. It’s overwhelming, it’s super hard. But it’s also so exciting. They call it the “pink cloud”- the early stages. It’s when everything…you’re on this high. And it’s a natural high, and you’re so happy. And it’s just seeing the world as a different place.

That high will end…and it’s not a sad thing or anything..but that’s when you learn and take in and absorb people who have been in the program. Those who have been sober, clean for years upon years. And you latch on to them, and you learn more and more how you can do this every single day. I mean, it is a daily struggle. But you CAN do it. You’re through the hardest part- putting that last drink down, the last drug down.

For those who, sadly, haven’t give up the control… or seen that it IS controlling you-I wish you could, maybe, try to surround yourself with people that have. Go to a meeting, pick up the phone, ask for help. You are crying out for help. You are not happy anymore, You tell yourself that you are happy, but you’re not. Your life is either in shambles right now, or it’s headed for rock bottom. And if it’s rock bottom, there’s still a further bottom. And it’s unfathomable, and it’s crazy, and life just keeps getting worse and worse. And eventually, the worst thing that could happen is you die. You say you want that, but you don’t. Reach out, form those words…that you need help. You cannot do this alone. You have a problem. And as much as that is so frightening, it’s freeing. It’s really freeing. Just…choose that for today. Choose help. Choose for someone to take your hand. Choose… “I choose me.” And your higher power, there is a higher power. Whether it be to God, to the trees, a candy bar…and you will get through this with that higher power. You are here for a reason. And you slowly see that. And you have faith. And just keep progressing. A lot of people think sober people, that it’s a cult. That we’re trying to get other people into sobriety. But it’s because we want to help you. We want you to have what we have. And it’s a very surreal thing- that it’s achievable. But it is-100%. It’s just one day at a time. Just only think one day at a time. Don’t think about tomorrow. Don’t think about a year from now. Don’t think that this best friend is being taken away from you.

Just think: “today I choose not to pick up.”

“Today I choose not to pick up.:”

“Today I choose not to pick up.”

That’s all you need to keep saying to yourself.

Today…today.

Q5: Was there an actual “it’s time” moment that ignited your Recovery?

…I had been crying out for months and months. I knew I had a problem, years ago. But I didn’t know there was a solution. And I think finally, it was when people realized I needed help, that I couldn’t do it alone. And I was fortunate, very fortunate my family was there to help me. And I didn’t have to live this life anymore. I had a problem, but I didn’t want to live this way anymore. I was sick of being sad. I wanted to die. I wanted to die so badly. But I didn’t want to die…I couldn’t take that next step. But I felt just so sad and alone. And I was sick of it. Again, I finally had a little bit of help. People saw I was crying out for help. I fought it a little bit. But then I embraced it. I thought I would try…try to get better. I would try rehabilitation. Because the other choice, the other option, was to continue in this abyss, this sadness. So I wanted to try. And thankfully, for me, it worked the first time. I am a magical unicorn, in the sense that it doesn’t happen very often- I beat the odds. It worked. I am so blessed that it did. But I took everything in like a sponge. I was defeated. I was absolutely defeated, and the disease had won. And I saw that it was no longer my best friend. I wasn’t happy. And I needed a change. And like I said, I was at the bottom. Death was the only option. Well…death or help.

And I chose help.

***********************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************

My dear, sweet sister,

I will never forget when I heard you laugh again…after all those years. I’ve always known it was there, deep inside, waiting patiently to be set free.

I love you more than you will ever know. Thank you for opening your heart to me, our family, our friends and strangers. Your journey is one that has encouraged many . I am so thankful you chose help. So thankful you chose life.

50 Precious Words Contest Entry-

March 5, 2018 by Monica 1 Comment

https://viviankirkfield.com/

Hello all!

A dear inspiring writer friend, Vivian Kirkfield, started this amazing contest a few years back.

Using the Dr. Seuss books as her impetus, Vivian created this contest to challenge writers in their word choice and muster up stories using ONLY 50 WORDS!!

Challenge accepted!

I love it.

And I LOVE reading the other entries! Such talent!

Here is my 2018 entry, using only 50 words!

The Princess and the Puddles

Fancy.

Muddy.
One is proper.

One is not.

Sticky, stinky, slimey, sloppy.
And with pink?
Ridiculous.

Eek! I almost touched a little puddle…
Icky!

Must leap over it.
One, two, three… ahhh!

I spy a bigger puddle!

One, two, three… stomp!

Marvelous. Magnificent. Magical. Mud.

The perfect accessory.

With pink.

Books, Books and more Books

March 2, 2018 by Monica Leave a Comment

Happy Birthday, Dr. Seuss!

Now, I wouldn’t be true to my Kindergarten-ness or my crafty self if I didn’t create something in honor of Read Across America Day!

A few weeks ago, I was watching Home Town on HGTV and Erin was describing the newly remodeled kitchen to the owner and she just quickly mentioned, ” And here is a little knife block made from old cookbooks…” And that was it! I knew my next DIY would have to involve books.

Now fast forward to today…Friday March 2…Dr. Seuss’ Birthday and Read Across America Day.

I scoured my house for old cookbooks…

turns out I don’t have any….

Then I scoured for old fiction books…

turns out I only read KID’S BOOKS :O)…

So- I used what I had.

And being the sentimental one that I am, I realized I have kept all the girls’ old board books- from when my oldest was a baby.

I thought no better way to honor these treasures and Dr. Seuss, than to re-purpose them.

Without further ado- I give you the (CHILDREN’S) BOOK KNIFE BLOCK!

Step 1: find books- ANY books- that are relatively the same size

Step 2: glue back cover of one book to front cover of the next with a hot glue gun

Step 3: repeat until all books are glued together

Step 4: tie ribbon around the books secure front and back covers

Step 5: add your knives!

Enjoy!

*Keep on reading & creating!*

Dear Daughters

January 17, 2018 by Monica 6 Comments

Dear Daughters,
I’m writing because your Momma is a writer. It’s my safe place. When I stumble and mumble while talking, I run to my writing. And that’s okay.
No one is perfect. I’m far from it.
But I’ll get to that.

I’m writing to tell you how much I love you. Insane love.
And there will be times you might not remember that.
So I’m writing it down for you.
So it’s here.
For you to read.
Forever.

My wish for you is hope, joy and lots of love.

I hope you wake up each day more thankful than the day before.

I pray you have joy.
So much joy, it overflows- to everyone and everything around you.
The kind of joy that comes with watching a simple sunset.
Throw it like confetti.
The world needs more bucket fillers.

I pray you leap.
Not because someone told you to or called you “chicken” but because the Spirit deep inside of you is whispering “You can. You must. And I am here, do not be afraid.”

Be a light.
There is so much darkness- hold fast to what is right, honorable and true- and you will shine.

Smile more.
Not because I’m telling to, but because you can’t NOT smile.
You will change lives. I promise.

You don’t have to do it all.
I have tried. And failed miserably.
The words “I can’t” or “ Please help me” are not signs of weakness.
They show strength and self-awareness. There are helpers everywhere.
Let people help you.
Don’t let your pride run your life.

Back to failing. You will. Lots of times.
Maybe at something small.
Maybe at something big.
But everyone falls flat at some point.
You think I’m lying? Ask someone.
If they say no, they’re lying.
It is how many times you get back UP that will determine your successes.
Always. Get. Back. Up.

Stand up for what you believe.

But be respectful.

Don’t be a “meh.”

There are too many folks who blow where the wind blows them.

Stand tall- and be brave. Brave is beautiful.

And that’s another thing. Don’t ever, EVER let anyone or anything tell you that you aren’t beautiful. You are.
And wonderful.
And there’s no one like you. Not now, not ever. You are spectacularly unique.

Don’t compare. It’s hard. I do it, too. But I’m working on it.
You won’t always be First. You won’t always win.
And that’s okay. Don’t let it bother you. Celebrate them.
Focus on your strengths.
Don’t think you have any? Look deeper.
Drive in your own lane. It’s less congested.

Please love. Love those close, and work at loving those far away.
Guard your own heart.
Not with an impenetrable castle wall, but with an unwavering confidence that its contents are worth something.
YOU are worth something. Don’t settle. Your happily ever after is out there.
You might just have to climb a few castle walls yourself…

Lastly, don’t do any of this because I said so. You’ll regret it. You’ll regret me.
Do these things because you believe in them.
And you know that this world needs you. And you want to make it a better place.
It goes by in a blink. It’s cliche, but true.
So live it. REALLY live it.
Eat the cake, kiss goodnight, take the chance, quiet your heart and LEAP.
I can’t wait to see what happens when you do. ❤️

How To Make A Floral Ballerina Canvas

Materials:

*Canvas ( any size) but I used a 12″x16″ from a bundle set bought from Michael’s

*tempra paints ( any colors) but I used pale pink, pale purple and aqua

*paint brushes/sponge brushes

*craft glue

*scissors

*ballerina sillouettes – you can click on here to view some images https://www.google.com/search?q=ballerina+silhouette&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwjoiODC4t3YAhWDu1MKHfPqCoIQ_AUICigB&biw=1707&bih=796

*scrapbook paper

Step 1:

Pick your paint colors, can be one or a bunch!

*I started with the purple, then overlapped a little pink, then overlapped a little aqua.

Paint your canvas- allow to dry.

Step 2: While your canvas is drying, you can work on your paper flowers!

a) Cut your scrapbook paper into squares. The smaller the square, the smaller your paper flower will be. A larger square= larger flower. ( Mind blowing isn’t it! )

b) Cut the corners off of your square, creating a circle-ish shape. No perfection here!

c) Starting on the outside edge, cut a “coil” into the circle shape. Finishing with a mini circle-ish shape at the end*

*this secures and holds your flower together

d) Starting on the outside edge, begin to curl the paper. If your paper is 1-sided, you will want the printed side curling IN.

e) Continue curling until you get close to your end little circle shape.

f) Put a dab of glue on that circle at the end.

g) If you want a TIGHT flower, push coiled up paper firmly onto the circle shape with glue- HOLD.

If you want a LOOSE flower, gently let go of the coiled up paper until you like the look, and then press firmly on the circle shape with glue- HOLD.

Step 3) Make MORE paper flowers!! :o)

Step 4) Pick your ballerina image- so many choices! I copied and pasted a few onto a WORD doc. & played with the sizing. I eliminated the margins, and enlarged each one to a FULL page image. I printed the whole doc. & then decided which one I liked best.

Step 5) (Now- my mistake- I glued the paper flowers onto the ballerina image before I cut her out. That was hard.)

So-I recommend CUTTING out your ballerina image FIRST…

Step 6) THEN gluing your image down to your canvas…( you could ModPodge if you want a shiny finish)

Step 7) and FINALLY arranging*/ gluing flowers to the ballerina image.

*I always encourage arranging before gluing:o)

And here it is! I love it. Honestly in love. It will always remind me of this wonderful season my girls are in.

I’d LOVE to see any of your creations!

Follow Your Compass, Not Your Clock

October 22, 2017 by Monica 6 Comments

Love this quote by Andrea Jung.

Just love it.

Do you all remember the magazine collages? I used to make them ALL the time. Slightly obsessed, actually.

I would spend HOURS, DAYS, even WEEKS creating the perfect collage- waiting for just the right word or phrase or picture to complete the ever-so-personalized creation.

Why do I bring this up?

Simple.

TIME.

This was a period in my life when there seemed to be an abundance of time( teenagers are so out of touch), and therefore a lot of waiting.

I wrote letters, LOTS and LOTS of letters. To camp friends, the many loves of my life, a sister at college, family…

And after I let the envelope slip from my fingers into the deep, dark mailbox on the corner, I waited.

And waited, and waited some more.

That’s all you COULD do!

I waited for phone calls ( I shared a line with my parents! Then eventually my chatty older sister… #stilllosing)

I waited for TV shows to finish… and watched commercials! Sometimes, REALLY awkward ones with my mom.

I waited for film I dropped off at the grocery store… and a week later, spent $10 on floor shots!

I waited for answers to my questions. And then I was told to look up the answer. In the ENCYCLOPEDIA.

Nowadays, we don’t like to wait.

I actually would dare to say we don’t know HOW to wait anymore.

And If we are actually forced to wait on something, we TRACK it.

We track packages on amazon… Heaven forbid it doesn’t arrive in 2 days…

We send emails, and walk around impatiently then JUMP across the room when our Hotmail dings, like we’ve been notified we won the lottery. EVERY TIME.

We have “read receipts” encoded on our texts-

“I KNOOOOOOW you saw my message… WHY ARE YOU INGNORING MEEEEEEE??????!”

but really….

What has happened?

When I read that earlier quote, I remembered, briefly, what it was like to drive in my own lane- and not get caught up in WHEN.

The WHEN concern is directly connected to the WHO.

We are naturally comparative, no doubt about that.

And it is even harder NOT to compare the WHO and WHEN in our lives since we are always in the KNOW.

And I’m not so sure that’s always a good thing.

If I knew of every party, breakup, and new outfit that went on during these “waiting” years, I’m pretty sure I’d be an even hotter mess than I was.

As adults, it may not be parties and break ups-but instead, it’s pregnancies, new homes, promotions, and so on.

It still hurts.

Because its NOT happening to us.

We tend to think it should make sense.

The fastest way from A to B is most certainly, a straight line.

And some people’s lives DO follow that course.

But not everyone’s.

Sometimes, Life goes more like C….F……A…..K……Z…..R…..B…..Q…back to C.

( just couldn’t help myself there)

And that’s okay!

It’s YOUR journey. No one else’s.

So what do you say?

The next time the thought, “HEY, why is/isn’t this happening to ME?” sneaks into your mind…

Picture-

Then-

And try…

Try to stay the COURSE, and turn your back on TIME.

Make it a good one.

Matthew 28:20

NEVER MISS A POST!

Just Compose Yourself

My WordPress Blog

Reviews & Musings

Summertime & Growing Pains

Marathons for Walkers

Hardwired for Hope

O Holy Night

364 Days of Gratitude

Fool me twice: A cautionary tale

Rich in Recovery

50 Precious Words Contest Entry-

Books, Books and more Books

Dear Daughters

Follow Your Compass, Not Your Clock

NEVER MISS A POST!

Skip links

Main navigation

Reviews & Musings

O Holy Night