“Ain’t it funny how life changes
You wake up, ain’t nothing the same and life changes
You can’t stop it, just hop on the train and
You never know what’s gonna happen
You make your plans and you hear God laughing
Life changes, and I wouldn’t change it for the world, the world, oh no
And I wouldn’t change it for the world, the world, oh no”

-Thomas Rhett

June. Oh, June, June, June. There’s nothing like a newborn to help you realize that life is NOT going to ever go according to your plan.

Trip to Nalls Produce- epic blowout/ 20 wipe wipe-down/new outfit/ pounds shed from all the sweating (both of us) and so much crying, (both of us)after one lap around the flowers with a screaming, sweaty head popping out of the Ergo, I admit defeat and go home.

Trip to apple orchard- major meltdown upon arrival/ requiring 30 minutes of nursing in the car/while hubby takes children to pick apples

Trip to walmart- screaming from arrival through checkout( due to being covered in poop, unbeknown to me as I shopped and smiled at strangers)/ back of car change with nakedness and new outfit

You see, June is sweet. June is also very, very cute. But June does not give a flying hoot about my plans. And I am learning, whether I’m ready or not, that my ideas of what will happen are ever changing.

This is a huge lesson for me- as I am a creature of habit. I am routined through and through. Those closest to me have determined and ultimately accepted that I cannot be rushed or my habits altered. I take exactly 1 hour to get ready for anything that requires me to look better than a homeless person. When I say 1 hour, it is 1 hour. If I wake up late, then I will end up being late to my destination. I hustle with no avail. I’m just predictable, not prompt.

One time, when Adam and I were on a business trip in Spain, we were out on a day-long excursion and caught in traffic on the way home to the hotel. We had a gala that evening and I had already planned out what I needed to do to prep for such an extravagant event. The tour guide got on the bus loud speaker and announced that we would be arriving approximately 30 minutes before the gala began. Enter palm sweat. There was no way I could condense my routine in HALF! In Europe? Without my straightener? ( My husband had sweetly plugged it in earlier in the trip to a non- American outlet and completely fried it… )

I wish I could tell you we were on time to the gala, but alas- I state my point. I am who I am. We did have a fabulous time, though.

But in all seriousness, Life has such a funny way of throwing curveballs JUST when you think you’ve gotten the hang of it. Do you remember the book series, “Choose Your Own Adventure?” Oh, I loved them. I loved the idea of being able to read the book several times over and change the way it all ended. How fun?!

I have only recently made a connection of my life with June to those fabulous fictional fantasies. I don’t know why I thought having years of motherhood under my belt and therefore being slightly wiser would actually help me navigate this newborn season. Quite the opposite; I feel like I’m rereading the book again and each day, the adventure ends with our main character ( me) head tilted to the side and saying, ” wow- I shouldn’t have gone down THAT tunnel! ( again…)”

It seems I am constantly faced with choices. Do I nap while she is napping? Do I get the dishes done so the kitchen isn’t a hot mess? Do I return emails? Gripe water or Mylicon for her crying fits? Should I hold her more? Or am I holding her too much? Can I eat peanut butter 7 times a day for complete nutrition or should I be drinking those yucky green smoothies for extra nutrients? Can I eat yogurt the day after it expires? Wait, what day is it?????

Am I alone? Anyone else out there? Possibly shouting from the depths of that very tunnel, too?

The difference between the two, adventures here and adventures in a book, is ultimately control. In a “Choose Your Own Adventure”, the title itself screams command. YOU have the choice. In fact, according to Oxford, synonyms for ”control” are words such as “power, authority and mastery.” I don’t know about you, but those words are a far cry from my daily life. I tend to feel more power-LESS and back at square one.

So how can you navigate this “uncontrollable” ever-changing life without losing your mind?

Oh, I’m sorry- if you thought this blog post had the answers, I apologize.

BUT, I think I am slowly finding hope in the chaos. So I’ll share…

The other night while aggressively rocking June in the nursery for what seemed to be hours of endless crying, I had a moment of clarity.

My arms were breaking from holding her so long, my heart hurt from watching tears flooding from her little face, and I was utterly exhausted.

I was keeping her in my arms, rather than in the swing we had just put together. I honesty wasn’t sure the swing could give her what she needed. I was doubting it’s ability and power. The power I thought I had enough of…

But I was wrong.

The reality is, that swing was built for situations just like this. It’s dependable, strong and constant. And at 3:45 am, I am weak, emotional and done. So after another hour of sleepy, strained swaying, I finally let the swing do its job.

I flopped back into the rocker, arms shaking and legs weary. But I somehow found the energy to unfold my tired arms, rest them on the chair and slowly open up my clenched fists. And at that very moment, the crying stopped.

I thought for second I had gone deaf. But I peered up to see her peaceful and asleep.

Was it the swing? Was it the Holy Spirit?

You decide…

While we are not turning the pages of a storybook, we can be assured that Life will do its best to throw us adventures such as dirty diapers, terrible traffic, and even sometimes- serious sickness. Let us remember that there is many times joy on the other side- the warm baby snuggles and smiles, the beautiful Spanish gala, and ultimate healing. It may be difficult to determine why our plans change and how they may end up, but we certainly do have control over whose hands are holding it all.

As for me, for this day and every day I breathe… I’m choosing to hand it to Him.

Ricky Bobby: “Don’t you remember what you taught me, Dad? If you ain’t first, you’re last…”
Reese Bobby: “Ricky, I got that off a bumper sticker! And it doesn’t even make any sense. You could be 2nd, 3rd, 4th, Heck… you could even be 5th !”
Ricky Bobby: “What are you talking about? I lived my whole life based on that. Well, now what am I supposed to do?”
Reese Bobby: “Well, that’s the million-dollar question, isn’t it? Good luck to you, son.”

I’m not even a little bit ashamed to say that this movie, Talladega Nights, with all of its Will Farrell hijinks and humor is one of my very favorites. Don’t even get me started on the dinner prayer. That will have to be for a future post…

But this conversation popped into my head the other day after my husband quoted something similar to me.
“If you ain’t growing, you’re dying.”
He said it to me in terms of jobs and education, but it really got me thinking. Things really aren’t that black and white. There’s a whole lot of in-between. And it can get pretty uncomfortable in that undefined, gray place.

I am 100% guilty of being very uncomfortable in this space. But ironically, In my creative life- this is actually where I thrive. When things are not defined, the finish line is slightly blurry, and you have to dig deep and trust your instincts to make it to the end product. But in my personal life? I’m pitiful. I have as much bandwidth to stay the course in unknown territory as a sugared-up Kindergartener on a merry-go-round.

I only recently realized this- and interestingly enough- it had nothing to do with my personal life. I killed a plant.

Yes, I killed my most prized of plants- a brand new, huge Rhododendron bush. I was so proud of it when I planted it. I talked to it every day as I walked by, pointed out to the girls every new little bud growing and nurtured it to its full, bountiful, beautiful bloom late Summer. But as the Fall and early Winter came, it looked awful. Not typical off-season plant status… just plain awful. I tried talking to it and pulling off the dead stuff, but it just got worse. Therefore, I did what any nature lover would do- I took a huge shovel and yanked it out of the ground.

I felt very good about putting my poor bush out of its misery and told myself over and over that it was in a better place. A nursery high in the sky. Until the day I paid attention to the house by the park. With its rows and rows of dreadful looking Rhododendrons. Oh, no, I thought to myself. What have I done? And sure enough, when early Spring of the following year came- those rows and rows of dreadful bushes were popping out sweet little buds. Everywhere. Originally, I really did feel like they were taunting me. Reminding me of my complete lack of faith in the process that needed to happen within this living thing. But then again, that’s not necessarily a bad thing to be reminded of.

Now, what does all of this have to do with anything? I find myself asking the same thing as I’m sitting here typing, but I promise- I had a point.

For a little while, it seems both Ricky Bobby and I had a similar outlook. “If it ain’t growing, it’s dying…” But the truth of it is, there was a LOT going on in the life of that beautiful plant that just couldn’t be seen. It wasn’t quite growth, but it was far from death.

Have you experienced this in life? Possibly during this past year? With all of its challenges, hiccups, strains and detours? I certainly have.
Every Easter, I am reminded of the ultimate act of trust in the unseen. Can you imagine what was going on in the hearts and minds of the disciples and those who loved Jesus during the last week of His life? Sure, he gave plenty of warning and foretelling about what was to come- but when the bleakness and darkness of Good Friday was in full effect, it must have been near impossible to stay the course and fully rely on the promises once heard. But three LONG days later, everything made sense. And we can use this in our own doubting troubles that plague us.

When things don’t add up, when things aren’t quite moving the direction you’d thought, or when things seem to have come to a complete stop- remember the promises. Much is being worked out in the quiet, dark, and still; that gray in-between. Looking back at my own life, I happen to believe this is where God’s creativity deeply thrives. He’s asking us to trust and hold on just a bit longer. And meanwhile, while the waiting is hard, imagine what unknown greatness God might have in store for you on the other side.