I forgot to email the yearbook teacher. I have just realized this as my teen is stomping towards me in the parking lot with arms crossed and daggers in her eyes. I profusely apologize and yet make no headway at all. The car is sickeningly silent when I pull out of the school. I try to strike up a conversation with another offspring- but it’s another strike out. I continue to say all the wrong things. My effort is not getting across- it’s 100% lost in translation. I decide to just stop talking. But now the silence is deafening and my anxiety is creeping in with ongoing dates, applications, emails, Amazon returns, meetings, decisions, deadlines, how two packs of 100 calorie confetti muffins have suddenly made my pants tighter, and the ever-present question of what’s actually for dinner.
I can’t help but feel that I’m made for more than this heaviness. That the Math is wrong. That for every 10 steps forward I make, ( I had actually spent the whole morning mapping out schedules, creating checklists, doing piles of laundry that isn’t mine, etc.) that the ONE thing I do wrong or forget to do- determines the whole outcome of my day. How can I ever expect to come out on top when my faults keep finding a way to knock me flat down to zero?
This is a perfect time to segway to state that I have (sadly)actually envisioned my own funeral where after my husband has said a long list of nice things, my children stand up and make note of the fact that I said they couldn’t go to the mall by themselves, or how I refuse to buy them Airpods until they finally find the floor in their room. And then the church is dismissed and this is how people remember me.
Alas, in an attempt to dust myself off on this one area that I am perpetually plagued with day in and day out, I try looking up for help. I flipped through the pages of my marked Bible in hopes of finding a verse to cling to, or solid words to stand on. But what I found between the pages and tucked into stories was way better: God’s math rarely makes sense, either.
*Why would a shepherd leave the 99 obedient sheep for the ONE lost?
*Why would a woman turn her house upside down, ignoring the eight coins she has already, looking for a single one?
*How do you feed 5,000 with five loaves and two fish with 12 baskets left over?
*How do you forgive someone 70 X 7?
How do you reach for FIRST but stay LAST?
I’ve come to the decision that the only way to combat the constant cycle of being knocked down in the walloping wave of worry and guilt is to erase all I know about numbers. Today, my ONE good deed will trump all the millions of ways I think I’ve screwed up. And the opposite applies: today, the ONE thing I forgot to do, or did wrong, will not weigh more than all my footsteps forward. It will not take me back to zero.
Today, tomorrow, for the foreseeable future- don’t get lost in earthly equations. Not only do they not add up, but you’ll go crazy trying to figure out the “how?” and “why?”
Try something new and hold fast to God’s way of doing things. It won’t always make sense, work out the way you’d thought, and come out balanced or equal. And I’m beyond grateful it doesn’t. Because the love of ONE on the cross took away ALL my mistakes. Past, present, and future. And friends, that’s not Math, it’s called Hope.
Rachel Erbaugh says
Thanks Hoosia
Rita says
Thank you for your lesson on the “New Math”. I love the way God works with numbers. Not the way we think it should go, but ALWAYS the way of love and mercy.
Thank you for the shared wisdom
Phoebe Elinor Moyer says
So much in life is out of our control so all we can do is to adjust to our environment, our physical and mental challenges, and remain humble but strong and supportive of others who need our help.